In which I bare my heart and soul...

I awoke with a heavy heart this morning. I hate that. My sweet J and I had an extra prayer, I studied scriptures longer than normal and indulged in squeezing and kissing my kids so long that they almost missed the bus... but still the heavy heart.
Elise is 15 1/2 months old! It is so hard to believe, but it is true! This is x 3 the longest I have gone without being pregnant, and it is far longer than we have ever gone without even trying to have another baby. I don't feel ready for another - if I am completely honest I am terrified. I don't know if I can deal with losing another baby- which is almost inevitable.
I know there is another child waiting to come to us, and my sweet hubby is going to have to be the one who feels it is time, this next time around. That dear, wonderful man has cleaned up more throw up and spent more nights next to my bed while I am in the hospital getting re hydrated than any man should have to. But I worry that if it is totally left up to him, we will never have another child. Not that he doesn't love our kids - he soooo does - it can be overwhelming at times though! Especially when you factor in that another child means another year basically without a wife!
I feel anothers presence in our home, when I set the table I feel like I need another plate, when I get the kids loaded in the car - someone is missing...

Is that what is causing my heavy heart?

I feel so very inadequate in all that I do. I am surrounded by so many "supermoms" and yet when I try to keep up I end up sick and in so much extra pain... I wish I could do more and be more - yet I know it will never happen in this life. I know I am here for a reason and I know my Savior is mindful of me and my little family in all that we do. I am so grateful for that knowledge. Yet I continue to think I should be doing more, and perhaps I should but I worry that it will be at the expense of my children, or my calling, or that my house will get dirty and my hubby will be grouchy...

Is that what is causing my heavy heart?

I STILL have not lost all my baby weight (did I mention Elise is 15 1/2 months old?) It has NEVER taken me this long... I am sooo frustrated with that. I feel gross and terrible about myself - though I have to admit I AM in my healthy weight range and am not "technically" fat. I want back into all my clothes. The nice thing this time around is that J really doesn't care (at least he says he doesn't). He thinks I am beautiful and he loves me. I am working extra hard on that and hope that it will all be off soon...

Is that what is causing my heavy heart?

I can't help but think I may have done something to offend or hurt someone and I am unaware of it. If I did, and it is you please tell me! I seem to have foot in the mouth syndrome - I say so many stupid things, and usually I don't mean them the way they probably sound. I tell Jonathan that is why I avoid social situations... so I won't accidentally say something to hurt or offend someone!
Or maybe it is because I sometimes raise my voice with my precious children. I hate that. I always bring that up in temple recommend interviews and always get a little laugh and I, "oh that is part of being a parent". But this past week President Rowley listened and understood that it really is weighing me down, I feel terrible about my inadequacies as a mother and always wish I could do/be better. He told me one of his daughters started an "Ice Cream" jar that the kids could put coins in when Mom yells and earn a trip to get ice cream! I LOVED it! The fact that those sweet faces interrupt you - in the middle of you starting to get upset - to ask for money for the jar is a great reminder of how silly you are being and who it is that is bringing those feelings into your home. I came right home and made an "I Scream = Ice Cream" jar and it has been fabulous. In the week since its implementation there are only 4 quarters in the jar from both J and I.

Hmmmm.... I will continue to hope this heavy heart goes away, and that I can find the source of it! I just want to conclude this random post by saying how much I love my family -my immediate and my extended!!! I love the church I am blessed to be a part of, especially the wonderful ward I attend - there are so many wonderful examples set by amazing people that I just stand in awe! I am so so grateful for my Savior! I know that he lives. I know that he lived a perfect life so that I could have an example to follow. I know that by following His plan my family will be together forever -which is incredible!

What gives????

Ok, I realize that I have not posted in an insane amount of time. I wish I had a really good excuse but, really, I am just super busy! These two little girls keep me on my toes all day while the big kids are at school and when they are home - forget it!
My laptop is also pretty much shot - the only way it now works is on the treadmill (the way the power cord inserts - it will not work except at that angle) - which is good because I don't spend as much time on the computer and when I am on I am usually walking.... but bad because it makes trying to post really frustrating! Sorry! Eventually I will get all my awesome pics from the summer and the beginning of the school year on here;)
Meanwhile - life is too insanly good to be believed! I cannot believe how very blessed we are in so very many ways! I am so very grateful for the Savior and for the Gospel!!! Especially with some of the things that happened this summer - for us all to be fine and happy and relatively unscathed is a miracle (yes, I include the lightening in this statement;) ).
I am super busy with my calling, and J is super busy with his. When we aren't busy with those we are busy with kids and cleaning and the yard etc etc etc - just living the dream. It really does feel too good to be true at times - even when it is rough, it is still so amazingly and blessedly wonderful! I am so so grateful!!!!